“I wanted it shaken not stirred,” moaned Madison Millhouse as they placed him on the stretcher. “Had a good bead on the bartender but my wife jostled the shot.”

Ever since the new gun law went into effect allowing firearms in bars, Knoxvillains have been trying to keep the peace in the city’s watering holes.

Bartender Willy Bender claimed he had every right to protect his premises. “Last time there was a ruckus, Buffalo Bill Cody put a bullet in the ceiling to break things up. I feel bad about winging the wife but she had that snub nose coming up fast.”

The whole brouhaha may rest on the attractive shoulders of cocktail waitress Pearl Handle. Police were testing her for powder burns when she gave her statement.  “Madison never even ordered a martini,” she said.  “They were sitting at table 6 and Mrs. Millhouse was getting agitated at the way he kept dropping my tips so I had to bend over to pick em’ up.  When Milt drew on Willy, I had one clean shot and I took it. Felt good putting a slug in Millhouse.”

Madison pulled the oxygen mask away from his face.  “I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll miss the Sure Shot Sunday Service this fourth. Reverend Textwell asked us to bring a dollar and a revolver. Like he always says, “Be safe be saved!”

I spent a hot, languid summer in Houston, Texas.  Long enough to read Thomas Wolfe’s novel “Look Homeward Angel”.  Wolfe is remembered for his admonishment that the past is irreversible.  His phrase, “You can’t go home again,” has found its way into the vernacular of American life.  The Texas city where I languished could serve as a metaphor for Wolfe’s writing.  All I recall were endless blocks of strip malls carved out of the flat landscape.  Nothing built to last, just convenient and transitory. Even the astronauts at the Houston Space Center were quick to make a space exit from this dreary place.

I’d gone there to do my brother’s musical “Tom Jones”. When it became apparent that we weren’t packing them in, the show was replaced by a Neil Simon play. That meant I had six weeks before my next acting job in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Since I had already gotten my library card, I decided to stay in the Longhorn state. My custom had been to always obtain a local library card wherever I was residing.  A quick flip through my wallet would reveal that the New York Public Library as well as Indianapolis, Indiana and Lexington, Kentucky all carried me on file. Maybe I couldn’t go home but at least the library was the second best thing.

Three things made my time in Houston memorable.  I saw for the first time an outdoor production of Macbeth. The bloody body of one of Macbeth’s victims made an effective visit at the banquet scene.

There was a trip to a barber who claimed he was a descendant of Daniel Boone. The news prompted me to ask the coon skinner to go light on the top.

Finally, I met the well-known television actor Doug McClure. He was appearing in the Simon play that replaced us.  Although Doug and I would not cross paths again, he did come to Hawaii in the 1990’s as a guest star on Cheryl Ladd’s television series “One West Waikiki”.  I had a great part as a hit man on a previous episode.  That would be McClure’s final appearance and now Houston will not see the likes of him again.

Thomas Wolfe's childhood home in Asheville, North Carolina.

In what only can be described as street theater, Iranian demonstrators confronted their leader today.  Taking a page from the Iraqi who threw his shoe at ex president Bush, dissidents pelted Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with neckties.  What followed was equally shocking when the Mahmoud picked a tie and attempted to tie it.

Actor Sean Penn, who had traveled to Tehran to make up his own mind about the election, stepped forward and in a gesture of good will assisted Ahmadinejad.  After much fumbling and laughter, a mirror was brought forward and the president exclaimed, “This looks good”!

A collective sigh rose from the crowd as the president agreed to new elections and asked Sean for the phone number of Calvin Klein. “I also need a good pair of jeans,” he said.

Penn was delighted to hear that because of his kindness, “Milk” will be shown in Iran. He convinced the president that he was playing a dairy farmer from Wisconsin.

Conan O’Brian’s less than auspicious debut on the Tonight Show may mean that JC’s (Johnny Carson) slot could still be open.  Carson was like the Pope of Comedy. Legend has it that if your material was good enough, His Funniest would grant you a spot near his desk. To a comedian, that’s as close to sainthood as you were ever going to get.

Clearly Conan is a pretender to the throne. While that opening sequence of him running across the country was the first time I actually thought he was funny, he failed to deliver the punch line. Why not run on to the set in tatters accompanied by Tom Hanks in his Forrest Gump attire?  Run Conan Run!

The opening of the Tonight Show requires a monologue. Any 12 year old knows that. I learned the fundamentals peeking around the corner watching the show in my pajamas. Later I imitated Johnny Carson even using a recording of his theme music backstage. I remember holding the tape player to a microphone. The familiar, “Dah, dah da, da, dah de daddy ah dah,” rang out through the auditorium and I sauntered on the stage with my imitation Johnny walk. Comics even perfected their stride along with their delivery.

I’m available Conan and being Catholic I might be able to line up some Cardinals if you make another run for the papacy.

The Island Theater Scene award ceremony will take place in Diamond Head crater. It promises to be a gala affair where the hoi polloi of Honolulu will mingle with the glamorous stars of this year’s fabulous theater season.

A huge canvas cover depicting the Sistine Chapel will enclose the entire crater. Noted scenic designer Rex Romulus has spent days on his back painting the scenes of creation depicting this year’s nominees as angels and other biblical characters.

Guest presenters include the Pope, Barrack Obama,  and the Queen of England.  Entertainment will be provided by ex President George Bush who will sing “What I Did for Love” accompanied by Condoleezza Rice.  Dick Cheney as Ned Buntline and Sarah Palin as Annie Oakley will do the sharp shooters scene from “Annie Get Your Gun”.

Jim Hesse will receive the first Island Theater Scene Lifetime Achievement Award and his likeness will be carved into the face of Diamond Head.